Kitty Chat

Lisa made a comment to me the other day as we were musing over her Birthday Cocktail Party and the characters who attended, “Why do perfectly normal, intelligent women stay with such horrendous partners?” We were thinking specifically of this lovely French woman, quite a beauty in manner and face, who is not only a kind soul and sweet, perfectly mild-mannered and a sensitive artist… but is also physically and emotionally abused by her lugnut of a husband. He refuses to go take a driving test, as it’s ‘beneath him and besides, that is what the femme is for, non?” (‘Uproarious laughter’ on his part, yeah, more like ‘Fear of Failure’ is my firm opinion.) So, of course, she is always and forever the ‘designated driver. This was a problem after the party as I had made her several drinks including a LARGE Long Island Iced Tea and she was, frankly, snockered. Her husband still insisted she drive home, against all my and other’s protestations and even though we arranged someone to take them home and bring them back the next day to pick up their car, they disappeared off leaving the rest of us fraught with worry for their safety.

(DON’T drink and drive, please? It’s just stupid for everyone concerned. OK?)

So why DO people stay with unsuitable partners? Partners that can be a hindrance, destructive to the soul, a drain on the other’s personality and resources, partners who do nothing substantial to advance the other’s life, who control and manipulate and belittle… and bully. Why?

Well, just so you know, I don’t have an answer, I can only offer my own experience and take on the whole subject, because I have definitely been with boyfriends who tried to control me, (later, dude) then married a man who had developed passive-aggressiveness into an art form, (later dude) then lived with a complete psycho who needed to control every aspect of my day, (later dude) then finally married yet another man who, upon reflection was also a control freak and bully… (Wait for it… later, dude.)

Anyone notice a trend?

I suppose with such a pedigree as mentioned, I should have developed some kind of  innate capacity to ferret out and distinguish the character flaws that lie within those who choose bullies as life companions, and if not, certainly the flaws that lie within myself, but, I honestly don’t have a clue.

Is it fear of the unknown? Once you are in a situation, no matter how bad it is, it’s easier than changing because at least you know what you are in for? Better the ‘devil you know’?

I think certainly guilt is wound in there somewhere, obviously; the bully will make you feel like you have done something to degrade THEM, they are, in fact, the victim; the whole mess is actually YOUR fault. You put them there, if they hadn’t been with you they could be happy, thinner, more wealthy, successful, with or without children (you pick) or any number of ‘could haves’, ‘if onlys’ and ‘would haves’ phrased in such a way to make your culpability curl up and ooze like a salted slug. Is it really your fault? Are you solely to blame with the situation that you find yourself in right now? No, it never is, it is the interaction of the pair of you, it is your particular mélange. However, people who try to control, in my opinion, would try that with anyone, regardless, because of some deep-seated deficiency or defect within themselves.

I remember one comment from husband #1, “All these years I wasted on you, I could have been with someone who mattered.” Hmm… yes. Indeed, dear, you could have. And seeing as you did go back home to Mommy, I suppose you got your wish in the end. Just sad there are laws preventing that whole Oedipal thing, huh? (Sorry, Clockwork Tomcat, if that hurts, but if you insist on reading your Mother’s Blog, you will find stuff out about your father, you know.)

My women friends, at the time, could see the mess I was in and they ALL brought up the subject in subtle and not so subtle ways. I remember in particular one brilliant afternoon at Mission Beach in San Diego as a group of my women friends sat around, laughing and chatting, sharing a picnic as we watched our toddlers play in the sand together. One of my oldest and dearest friends just blurted out to me, “When the hell are you just going come to your senses, girl, and leave that lazy jerk of an alcoholic bully?” Her comment completely shocked me because, well, I hadn’t even really considered leaving in concrete terms and it would take an additional two years to finally walk out.

Funny how those who love and care for us can see, in many ways, so clearly our own situation whereas we cannot.

Maybe it is just apathy? You get so numb from life with that person that you can’t manage or even imagine anything else? Your creative thoughts are so dulled you can’t think ‘outside the box’? This is your lot in life and you just plod indeterminably forward, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, live your day by heartbeats, listening to them tick away. The seconds ticking away your life, one after another as you walk on eggshells and try not to upset the applecart (or any of the other clichés liberally sprinkled in this posting.)

Knickers’ elastic, that’s what I call it, when you get to that point you are so stretched that something just gives, and after, everything is different, everything has changed and you can’t possibly in your mind go back to where you were before that happened. You have tesseracted* into a different dimension and life is no longer as it was. That’s when it’s time to make the change and move on, well; it always is for me, at least.

These knickers’ elastic moments stand out, as well, in my mind. Particularly the one when I left the girl’s father, I had just had enough and over the course of an evening spent in Chester, thinking and mulling over my life, something snapped, I realised life did not have to continue in it’s downward spiral and that was it, I could never go back after that. I was just a different person in the morning, changed forever… and for the better. The penny finally dropped.

I think I want to wind this up by saying that finally, it all comes down to choice, what you choose for yourself and your own life. I can’t judge anyone but myself and my failures and successes; I certainly can’t use the same determiners with anyone else. My life is completely different than anyone else’s (boy, howdy) and what works for me won’t really work for anyone else. (As my darling Saligo Bay puts it, ‘You are unique, like everyone else.')

So is this my answer? Did I find one finally? Or is this a Kitty Cop-out?

No, just something I have had to come to terms with myself when I observe my acquaintances, friends and loved ones in difficult situations themselves. It is all about choice, they have it, I have it and so do you. You and I and they all choose what we do with our lives and that includes choosing to change… or choosing to continue on with the status quo. In the end, all any of us can do to help is to love our friends, voice concern, be there for support, let them know you are there and you will always be available. Then you must do what is possibly the most painful and difficult thing of all, but, is truthfully and ultimately the best for each of our loved ones: let them decide for themselves their own life’s path and how they choose to walk it.