Kitty Chat

Well, I learned a new word the other day. ‘Panniculus’, which is the fold or drape of skin that obese people have over their bellies. What I call a Fanny Pack or Bum Bag. What I have. If you have one of these, it means you are obese or have been in the past. So don’t try hiding your girth under yards and yards of flowing black clothing. Black does not make you look thin. Black just makes you look depressed… and fat.

A Panniculus is found after gravity has its wonton way with your fat abdomen, if you are not keeping the stomach muscles developed, that it. It is also, apparently, more prevalent in women but is found in very obese men as well. I won’t discuss some of what I read because it makes me ill, but it had to do with odour, dead skin cells and hygiene… you can put them together in your own mind. Mine has gotten a lot smaller so much so it doesn’t ‘fold over’ anymore, but it is still there. (God Kitty… that was a visual which we didn’t need.) Nevertheless, my panniculus is getting smaller. The only way to get rid of it completely, apparently, is to continue doing my exercises and continue losing weight. I have to lower my body fat to a certain level in order for it to disappear. Won’t I need a tummy tuck? No, I just have to loose enough weight. “You don’t see panniculi in concentration camp victims, do you?” was the rather harsh comparison I read on some website. Oh great, I really do need to turn into an x-ray...

Well, bollocks to that.

Here is what I have found on it: Abdominal Panniculectomy is the medical term for the surgical removal of excess abdominal panniculus which in lay term is called the "apron"; that redundant layer of fat tissue at the lowest portion of the abdominal wall. Because fat distribution is never even in all individuals, some people with obesity have significant deposit of fat at this most dependent part of the abdominal wall which further aggravates the various complications associated with obesity especially back and joint pain.

The "apron" (abdominal panniculus) in an obese individual may weigh as little as 5 pounds, or as much as 120 pounds. The largest abdominal panniculus removed at the Center for Surgical Treatment of Obesity weighed 110 pounds. The excess "apron" is part and parcel of the problem of obesity. The lay term for an abdominal panniculectomy is "TUMMY-TUCK surgery", which may unintentionally belittle the problem as merely cosmetic in nature.

I am at 79kg right now. My Lowry stick-thin Cardiologist wants me down to 60kg. I think 65 is plenty thin. 65kg would be 143 pounds or 10 stones 3 pounds. Geez, last time I was that thin, was back in ’84-’85 and I was wearing a size 8 dress. Any thinner than 65kg and my boobs will completely disappear.

On the other hand… I could have a tummy tuck and liposuction; have my arse done as well. And thighs. And hips. Ah hell, while you got me under the general anaesthesia, just do a job lot, will ya? Nip and tuck it all.

I am serious I hope you know. Apparently, you can go to Portugal for two weeks and come back completely overhauled.

And why not if it makes you happy, right?

OK, so don’t all shout at once, “But you are fine just the way you are, Kitty! You should be happy with yourself the way you are!”

I am happy with myself. I have a (fairly) good self-image and I certainly think I look miles better now than I did even just 12 short months ago. I can stand naked, look at myself in the mirror, and not wince. (As long as I am not wearing a thong…) I could even allow other people to look at me naked… but I am not going to go that far down the self-confidence boulevard.

Hmmm… so, what is it? What is this need I have developed lately and quite suddenly to become all glam and attractive? I suppose in no small way it is because I keep remembering my last date I had (with a man) back in April. I say ‘with a man’ because I am going out all the time with women friends, see. No, this was a proper date with a very sweet member of the opposite sex and even involved kissing and stuff. OK, not much ‘stuff’, but there was kissing involved. Right. ONE date, then a text message to say, ‘I had a lovely time’…and then he never contacted me again. Ouch... Let us now observe Kitty’s poise and feelings of self-worth take a killing in a rather bullish market. Finally some two months later or so, I did eventually phone him (withholding my number so he didn’t know it was me, as you do) and he said he was sorry, he had behaved like a pig (no argument here, mate) because he had had a lovely time (yes, I know) and something about ‘keeping in touch’… (Oh please, just cut bait, will ya?) My bullpoop alarm went off really loud and clear on that one remark.

Why do we women emotionally invest so much in a ‘potential’ relationship? Alright then, why do I do it? Is it because I am lonely? Am I hoping that by finding a diversion this will mean that I do not have to look at what is really bothering me? Is it misplaced revenge against the men who have dumped me in my past? I don’t know really and truthfully, I guess I will just have to keep picking at this emotional scab; it is certainly one that will never heal.

On the other hand, if I do go down the ‘nip-and-tuck’ route (but staying this side of getting ‘trout-lips’ like Melanie Griffiths or Leslie Ash from 'Men Behaving Badly'.) If I do have a complete over haul, I run the risk of becoming drop-dead gorgeous with a fantastic body, etc., but still being just as alone, just as ignored, just as passed over for dates on a Friday night. (OK, so I am not making myself even remotely available at the moment but work with me on this one…) I know that is a lot to do with why I stayed so fat for so long. I could lie to myself and say, ‘Men don’t find me attractive because I am fat. IF I were thin, men would be falling over themselves to date me.’ I didn’t want to look at the possibility that men didn’t want to date me because I wasn’t, well, fancy-able? Wasn’t ‘good enough’ for a second date. Perhaps that I was of the calibre that they could see me once and then never call again? I never wanted to consider until now that it is actually some flaw, some defect or some failing in my character or personality that is what has caused the lack of ‘suitable men suitors’. Well, might as well call a spade a spade, right?

Ohhh dear, that hurts, that really does. Double ouch. You can stop now with the self-flailing, Kitty, remember, you are not a Corrales Penitente.

I think the hermit and celibacy route is a good idea for me for now. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and certainly, nothing rejected, right? With my track record of 97% completely appalling choices in men, it is probably best just to sit the next few dances out… besides, with the effects from the Paroxetine, I have no desire to do anything about it anyway. I'll save a fortune in batteries, according to one dear frind. (Thanks Bugs...)

WHERE has people's sense of humour departed to?

I don't get it... I love a laugh and love to joke around but can't find anyone to play with, blimey, some people seem so damn serious all of a sudden.

So laugh at me! As a result of my new drug therapy, I have lost all libido! Yes, thats right, sexy Kitty just can't be arsed anymore. The whole silly sex thing now seems like an incredible yawn. I was warned it might be a side effect. Well, yup, it is. So nothing is really depressing and nothing is really exciting. Everything is just peachy-keen all the time. How dull.

On the other hand, I look forward with tremendous anticipation to what this will do with my flaming PMT I encounter each month when I become a cross between Godzilla and Barbie. So, erm... Barbarella!!!... except flames issue from my mouth and I can usually kill, or at the very least maim, with a look at 20 paces.

The good bit is that the soon-to-be-ex's phone calls no longer bother me. I just tell him to get stuffed now. Which then amuses me 10 minutes later when I realise what I said.

So come on guys, lighten up. At the very least, all the rest of you can at least have sex... with or without a partner.

Ahem...

I woke up with a sore throat and those disgusting nodules on my tonsils... icky...

It has been pissing down rain and I just want to stay in bed and do nowt... but read 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'... it is wicked good.

Thank you Ruby... but why, at the half-way point, do I feel JK is going to pull a Benton Wesley on me with Sirius???

I could quite fancy Sirius, if he was something other than a literary character, that is...

Today is 26th July and as of today, the kittens and I have now been here in Central Brittany, France, one full year. Wow… what a year, one that I would not wish to repeat, let me tell you that right off. I have had both bountiful gains and crushing losses. As I think back and reflect over the past twelve months, I am alternating with an emotional pendulum swing between satisfaction and pride then remorse and regret.

When it was good it was very, very good and when it was bad it was horrid…

So on the good side, I have my Titre de Séjour, I have 'right to work' here in France, I have my Social Security number, my Carte Vitale and my 100% CMU (Complimentary Health Insurance.) I am only weeks away from having my Decree Absolute then my divorce will be final. I am living in a great community and have a lovely HLM two-bedroom flat with gorgeous views over the open countryside and the Lorient to Pontivy bus route is directly in front of the flats. I have a washing machine and we all have bikes to ride thanks to a precious friend. We are only seven-minute’s walk from the girl’s school and I know many of the people in our village, certainly all the shopkeepers! The girls have settled in very well and are completely bilingual. They are both doing very well in school and I am so very proud of both of them. I am now in regular, almost daily, contact with my son, which has done more for me than Prozac. To find out that he is such a mensch makes me so proud I could burst!

Health-wise in the last twelve months, I have lost well over 20kg, have my heart problem under control, my cholesterol is exemplary, I have improved my health and fitness dramatically, my attitude has improved and I feel much stronger as a person. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but so much more together than I was last July. Last July I was a total wreck after arriving here. I now understand I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome, who could have guessed? The Doctor and I are working on that and I feel confident that the black cloud of melancholic despair that has been on my horizon for the last ten months or more has finally dissipated and disappeared to be replaced by blissful clear blue skies in my psyche. I am savouring this recovery; it is a long time coming.

As I look back at this past year, I also have to be mindful of the mistakes I have made. Due to my neglect, our dog died. I take responsibility for that, I should have looked out for rat poison being scattered about, for dead carcasses, I should have paid more attention to his whereabouts, if I had only known. I will post something about that in the next few days.

Probably the worst thing that happened to me this past year was that I destroyed the most precious friendship I have ever known by my own insensitive and callous attitude. I crushed the person I cared most about all because I couldn’t bring myself to trust them. I know that with time, the keen suffering I feel because of that injury will grow fainter, but I also know that nothing will ever replace that friendship and there will always be a poignant ache in my soul, the dull pang of regret. I pray that one day in the future I can mend that bridge I burned down between us, that we will take the chance to mend it, to rebuild it stronger and better, together.

I let many people down. I hurt those who mean so much to me: my family and friends. I was wrong in so many things and in so many ways. However, I must now forgive myself for these past mistakes. I have said I was sorry, that I feel guilt, remorse and shame for my mistakes. But there comes a time when you have to let go and that time for me is now. In order for me to make any headway in my emotional wellbeing, to make any progress in my mind, I need to stop beating myself up. I have spent many months in penitence, I feel contrite and I hope this is enough to atone for my sins. If you chose to judge me, go ahead. I am certainly not going to be casting any stones… lost-wax casting, perhaps, but no stones. It is time for me to move on now with my life.

So what do I come away with? Hope. I come away with hope, confidence and optimism for the future. I come away with gratitude for the friends I have made and for those who have stuck by me, who still believe in me and what I am trying to accomplish. I come away with an expectation of success that my fondest dreams will one day materialize.

I come away from this year with a positive attitude; this past year could have killed me, and not just the heart attack! It didn’t, though did it? No, I am still standing, I am still smiling, and I am still joyful and dancing through life with my pink toenails, high-cheekbones and amazing fashion sense. And sense of humour. Yes, that is still intact.

So one year on, I am a Happy Kitty. Things could be worse, things could be better, but I am meeting all of the challenges head on and overcoming them. I am proud of my accomplishments and myself. Therefore, I will give myself a virtual pat on the back, since I deserve it!

Oh and by the way… did you know the word ‘challenge’ is a euphemism for ‘pain in the arse’?

Continuing with the money theme, this was forwarded to me by LadyH. I am using it every day. You may jest if you like but the day after I started, Assistance Sociale called me up to let me know CAF was looking at giving me a loan, I will know for sure after the 10th August if it is approved. The following day I found a wadded-up tenner on the pavement and then I found a ten euro note folded up inside a little box on my dresser. How did that get there? So scoff if you like, I, on the other hand, will just keep on tapping…..

An Energy Exercise You Can Use Right Now - "Money Flowing Into My Life Now"

Due to our subconscious and unconscious beliefs, we are often sending out a vibration that both attracts money, and then repels it. The new "Money Flowing Into My Life Now" process below, will start to open doors that you may have closed completely or partially to the flow of prosperity and abundance into your life right now.

1. Locate a tender or sensitive spot on left side of chest. For most of us it is somewhere beneath the collarbone and above the breast area on the left side. Find the spot on yourself by pressing, using one or two fingers, around this area until you find a spot that is more tender or sensitive than the area around it. Keep your fingers in contact with that spot. Now take a deep breath in and slowly exhale. Then, while rubbing that spot continuously in a small circle with your fingers, say out loud, and with meaning:

"I consciously choose to greatly increase the amount of money in my life right now. (Universe, God, Spirit, Angels or whatever reference is appropriate to you) I ask that you assist me in every way possible to achieve this deep desire....right now!"

Keep rubbing until you feel ready to stop, then still holding the spot take a full breath in and out.

2. Tap lightly on the inside end of both eyebrows, the ends near bridge of nose, and repeat out loud THREE TIMES:

"Thousands of euros are flowing freely into my bank account every day."

Keep tapping until you feel ready to stop, then still holding that spot take a full breath in and out.

3. Tap lightly on outside sides of both eyes, on bone near temple and repeat out loud THREE TIMES:

"I have magnetized money and I open the doors wide and allow money to flow in from every area."

Keep tapping until you feel ready to stop, then still holding that spot take a full breath in and out.

4. Tap lightly under both eyes on bone, and repeat out loud THREE TIMES:

"Fear has relinquished all power over me now. It is safe to love money and money now loves me."

Keep tapping until you feel ready to stop, then still holding that spot take a full breath in and out.

5. Tap lightly under nose (above upper lip) and repeat out loud THREE TIMES:

"I give thanks for every positive creation. I am so grateful for this flow."

Keep tapping until you feel ready to stop, then still holding that spot take a full breath in and out.

6. Tap lightly under bottom lip (in crease before chin begins) and repeat out loud THREE TIMES:

"Money loves being in my presence! It always grows and multiplies!"

Keep tapping until you feel ready to stop, then still holding that spot take a full breath in and out.

7. Now take a moment to breathe deeply, reflect on how you are feeling right now. Give thanks for the healing that has happened.

Please repeat the process every day until you see and accept the changes you are seeking. Let me know how it worked for you. Please forward this exercise everywhere you feel "money healing" is needed.

Gin and Tonic
2 oz Gin
5 oz Tonic Water, the good kind with sugar not aspartame!
Garnish: Lime wedge

Shake both the ingredients in a shaker with ice and dump into a rocks glass. Garnish with lime wedge.

Now doesn't that just look dead refreshing? Ooohhh... yes, please!

Ramos Gin Fizz
Invented in the 1880s by Henry C. Ramos, in his bar at Meyer's Restaurant, this is one of New Orleans' most famous drinks. The secret of its flavor and texture is orange flower water and egg whites. This is my favourite Sunday morning drink. Next to very good, chilled champagne. (Actually, I'll have one then the other... if thats OK with you...)

2 ounces gin
3 drops orange flower water
1 egg whites
1 teaspoon bar sugar
1 ounce lemon juice
1/2 ounce lime juice
1 ounce cream
Soda water

Shake very vigorously for at least one minute. Strain into a tall thin glass, or a very large old fashioned glass, and top with some soda water. Stir. Repeat endlessly for me... If it's alright with everyone, I'll just skip breakfast and lunch and have Ramos Gin Fizzes instead... followed by a nice nap, I think.

The Rancho Las Palmas Marriott made such nice Ramos Gin Fizzes and since I lived for awhile at Rancho Las Palmas Country Club (just next door on the 16th fairway), I could just stumble home after a long, leisurely and boozy à volonté Sunday Brunch. Ah, those were the days... sigh.

Isn't it pretty? Oh look, you can see the San Gorgonio mountains in the background... Oh my, I feel a little nostalgic... Now wait a minute, Kitty, July 24th, it will be at least 118°F... cancel the nostalgia, I am happy here in France!!!

How amusing!

I found this on my son's website, we have the same political leanings!

Click on it if you want to view it big size!

Can we do some http://www.jibjab.com/bud2.html JIBJAB!!

The most wonderful thing happened to me yesterday morning. I was just having my decaf, lounging around and reading Terry Pratchett when I got a phone call from someone completely unexpected!

MY SON!!!!

All the way from Albuquerque, New Mexico! He sounded just next door!

Technology, ain’t it grand?

He and I had a good long natter, one hour and forty minutes, to be exact, (your Father is going to kill you when he gets the bill, darling. It’s OK Mom, he said I could call you and if he moans, I’ll just give him some cash, which should shut him up! Heehee…)

So here is my darling Tom Cat, looking très Stanley Kubrick, if I do say so…. A Clockwork Tomcat.

Get a haircut, I said, in proper Mom fashion... he politely declined...

Well, I've done my bit and tried. So he will be braids à la Bo Derek... That will be an interesting look, sweetie....

Here he is playing the drums… They have a ‘Garage Band’; I suppose you would call it that. I cropped out most of the garage mess… I forgot to ask the name. They play jazz and other stuff… fill us in dear.

A closer look at the drum set.

He has built his own 60gig/1gig RAM computer system and he is utilizing an open source OS, Ohhh, no Winblows! That makes me so proud! The computer apparently is very pretty with lots of neon lights. (What is it with guys and neon, I ask you…) I’ll post a picture when he gets around to sending me one.

Now the most wonderful news is that he is coming out to visit us, here in France, for Christmas! (If you wanna snowboard, babe, you had better start getting fit…) I asked if he could come, he said he would hit up his Father’s girlfriend (that’s the way to work him, honey!) His Father said, “Is she gonna pay for the flights and everything?” Yes Dad. “Well then, have fun!” This is brilliant news, as I haven’t seen him since he was 10 years old. Now he can drive a car…. Bloody hell.

I think we will drive over to Switzerland or Strasbourg or somewhere, do the Christmas Markets, maybe even go into Germany. (So brush up on the German, honey, because I only know kartoffel, milch, bitte and danke. That won’t even get us lunch…)

I am just so happy I could burst! Wheeeee! Things are looking up, up, up!

AND I am down to 79.5kg! My arse is much smaller, I can’t cinch my belt any tighter and I have lost so much weight that, really, everything is baggy now.

Did someone say I need to go shopping at Cheshire Oaks Outlet? Oh, YES! FINALLY! I will be able to buy NORMAL-sized clothes! I don’t HAVE to shop at the Fat Ladies shops; I can go to the Gap and Mango and Monsoon. I can get Liz Claiborne instead of Elizabeth. Believe me, unless you have been obese, you have no IDEA what a heady feeling this is!

Next on the agenda. Go to the UK, get the house put up for auction, get my money, and pay off my debts (and the first one paid off will be to my dearest friend) …then get a car. I have found out I can get a duplicate California Driver’s License and my driving history from California DMV. I can then exchange that for a French License or, if there is a snafu (as so often is the case here in France), I can exchange it for a UK License and THEN exchange THAT for a French License.

‘Will it go ‘round in circles… will it fly high like a bird up in the sky…’

Happy, happy, happy!!!!!

Isn’t life wonderful?

New me, I took this photograph today... and I am wearing Barbie Pink, if you can believe it....

I am an Autumn in colouration so tend to limit myself to those shades: pumpkin, mustard, sage, copper, sand, etc. But lately I have been feeling very girly-girly so thats why the pink lipstick, nail varnish and clothing choices, I suppose. I have dug out all the bright silks and frilly, lacy things and am wearing them again. Just for myself, I might add. (I refuse to get involved with any more 'knobheads'...)

It's certainly a nice change to find myself in such a good mood most every morning! (Barring the 'late night screaming down the phone' calls, of course...)

People have been commenting I look at least 10 years younger with this haircut and the weightloss I have achieved so far.  Silly, how I agonized over cutting my hair for so many months, since December, actually. Now that I have done it, I see that it really suits me.

Guess thats how it is about a lot of things in Life. We are so unsure about things, we fret and agonize over change but then when we finally allow ourselves to make the change, even though it is dead scary, when we are on the other side of it, we wonder what the hell was holding us back. And also probably wish we had done it ages before.

The main thing is that we have the courage to do it. Or rather find the courage to do it. Whether its the support of a friend, a wise word you actually listen to and take on board (Kitty, it's only hair, for christsakes, it will grow back! Thanks Bugs...) or maybe following the example of someone you look up to as a mentor. Wherever we find it, it matters not, it's the action, the doing.

Tap... tap... tap... tap.... Anytime now LadyH... tap... tap...

So here I am with a new haircut, a new attitude I am still trying to make work properly and suddenly tons of patience. Because I just know everything in my life is going to work out for the best.

Eventually.....

And even though one dear friend won't actually say they think it looks good because I really am 'Miss Construe'... I know that in their heart, they really think it does looks fab. (wink-wink... nudge-nudge... ok, thats enough with the flirting, Kitty...)

Right. I have had it... (no not that, I am celibate, remember?) The knicker elastic that was my patience went >>ping<< Tuesday morning very, very early....

After a particularly nasty phone conversation that had me laying awake until 4am, fretting, I said, thats it. I have had it with the soon-to-be-ex's threats... so I decided to fight fire with fire. You gonna mess with me, sucka, you gonna mess with fire.

After my decaf and a shower, of course.

See, I have friends in Law Enforcement in the States. I have family in the US Judicial System. I even used to date an Italian man about whom my own Dad said, "If you are ever introduced to his Father, be very, very nice. He is in tight with Sinatra... Get it?" Erm... gulp? (I was introduced to his Father AND Mother, actually, in their own home in Palm Springs. I have never seen so much use of marble in one place outside the Parthenon...)

Anyway, my dearly ex-beloved wants a Green Card so he can work in the United States. The ONLY way he can get one is if I apply for it for him.

Aha... gotcha.

He is not going to get one if I have to put out a restraining order on him on behalf of myself... and those I care about. He will certainly not even get a hearing if I place the correct word in the correct ear.

ONE MORE THREAT and I will. ONE MORE step out of line, ONE MORE 2am phone call that jolts me awake from a pleasant dream and leaves me crying into my pillow, sick with worry and unable to sleep. ONE MORE and I will unleash the Dogs of War... and they are hungry.